Have you ever noticed how everything with narcissists is so extreme? They go from not knowing who you are to becoming extremely interested in you, only to suddenly ignore you and withdraw from you. Narcissists like to pull their attention away from people once they’ve spent some time focusing intensely on that person because they like to destabilize the person they’re with. They like to shake the grounding of that person so they aren’t sure about themselves and aren’t too confident. Narcissists try to prove a point about their worth. They try to prove to themselves that they can get you interested in them, then pretend to themselves and to you that they don’t care. They want to believe it and want to see that they can put you in this nerve-wracking state by doing that and getting the expected reaction out of you.
When narcissists ignore you all of a sudden, they pull away and get the expected reaction out of you, making you feel nervous, question what’s happened, and try to chase them for an explanation of whether anything’s wrong. You’re obviously concerned as you approach them. When you have that kind of reaction to the narcissist, it regulates them, makes them feel good about themselves, and validates them. That’s what they expect when they pull away and ignore you after having spent some time love bombing you, giving you a lot of attention. As soon as they pull away and start to ignore you, they sit back, relax, wait, and most importantly, expect you to have that kind of reaction where you become anxious, stressed, and concerned, taking certain actions to try to get an explanation from them about what’s happened or if anything is wrong.
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Usually, narcissists do get the response they’re after. When they approach their partner, supply, or whoever in that way, it works. Sometimes, that push-pull dynamic can go on for a long time. But what happens when you don’t react as they expect? What happens when they pull away, ignore you, and you mirror that? Well, they might give it some time thinking, “Oh yeah, you’re going to come around. Of course, you are; you’re head over heels for them. You won’t manage to spend too much time away from them.” But what if nothing happens and you just stay pulled away, keep mirroring them, and go about your business? Of course, the narcissist starts to get concerned and confused. They start losing their own confidence, thinking, “Did they misjudge the situation? Are you maybe not that interested in them? If they play that game too long, is there a risk they’ll lose you?”
So, narcissists will tend to come back and approach you again. They’ll often be very nice, very interested in you, ask how you’re doing, and say things like, “Hey stranger, how have you been? Why haven’t you called? Why haven’t you reached out?” as if they hadn’t taken any action to ignore you in the first place. They’re carefully gauging your response to see if you were at all nervous, to see how committed you really are, to see if maybe you don’t care. They’re trying to assess your interest levels. If your interest levels aren’t very high, they’ll try to get you interested in them again. They’ll take the love bombing up a notch, dedicate more time and attention to you, and schmooze you a bit more.
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They’re trying to get you into a position where you become more interested in them, so they can ignore and withdraw again and feel validated by making you uncomfortable, worried, and concerned. But what if the cycle repeats? What if you stand your ground when they ignore you and ignore them back? What if they pull away and you pull away even further? If the narcissist ever thought you were a good supply, you’re really getting them to obsess over you because it’s almost like you’re beating them at their own game. How can that be? They’re more clever than you; they’ve got more game than you. They have it, and you don’t. How can you be getting the better of them?
They can’t quite understand because they wouldn’t approach you in that way unless they were convinced you were the kind of person who would fall for them and need them more than they need you. But things aren’t unraveling the way they hoped and expected. So, if you mirror the narcissist and maybe take it up a notch and do it even more than they were to you, narcissists often find themselves ruminating, thinking, “What’s wrong with this person? Why aren’t they behaving the way I need them to behave?” Then they start getting angry and dreadfully obsessed with you, but at the same time, that makes them focus on you even more.
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Narcissists sometimes end up getting more hooked on their supply than the supply does on them when the supply is good at mirroring their ways right back at them. When you do that to the narcissist, you often get them hooked on you because now they’re trying to work you out, trying to figure out their blind spot. How are you getting the better of them when they’re playing their game perfectly? Narcissists are super confident and think they’ll win when they approach something in a certain way. When they don’t, they struggle to understand what’s gone wrong. That’s why mirroring the narcissist, if you know how to do it, is one of the most powerful things.
Of course, you don’t want to play games or do anything for very long. When you do that, you probably just want to jump ship. But when the narcissist experiences that from someone they didn’t think much of or underestimated, it gets them into deep thought, wondering what’s up with you, why you’re not predictable, and why you’re not like most people. They might even wonder if you’re like them. But it’s interesting because when their supply doesn’t behave in predictable ways, that’s when narcissists often start getting hooked and obsessed with the idea of the supply. The supply is not predictable and is apparently much stronger than they had anticipated. That kind of thing can really get the narcissist wrapped up in thought, wondering if there’s anything they can do to flip the situation around. The more they think about it, the more they’re investing emotional energy into that person. Narcissists end up investing a lot of emotional energy into people who don’t play the script the way they need, and the people who get the better of them.
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You don’t want to play games because if you do that, almost trying to give them payback or a taste of their own medicine, sometimes you end up getting the narcissist more invested in you. You don’t want that because when the time comes and you want to fully detach from them, if they’re fully invested in you emotionally, they won’t let you go so easily. That’s why you should just go away and not give them much food for thought, letting them eventually move on. You don’t want to stick in that kind of dynamic too long because it’s not healthy. As soon as you realize you’re dealing with a toxic person, you should plan your escape. Just acknowledge their mindset and how they always have to be winning. When something happens and things don’t turn out to be as predictable as they once thought, they really become super focused on that person or thing. It’s not healthy for them, but it’s just the way their mind works. If they can’t work something out and thought they had it figured out, but then realize they don’t understand it, it gets them in a mental loop.
No matter how much they might chase you later, you’re out. When they ignore you, they want you to chase them. But when you ignore them back, they start chasing you. So, no matter how much they might chase you later, you’re out.
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