Narcissists are extremely secretive and mysterious. They live double lives, hiding things from you and others because they don’t want their true selves to be known. Why? If their real identity were exposed, they would lose the power they hold over others. Control would slip away, and they would be revealed.
When we think of their secretive behavior, things like their phones or insecurities might come to mind. But today, we won’t focus on the obvious. We’ll discuss some of the deeper things narcissists hide to create a new identity.
Secret #1: Health Issues
Narcissists go to great lengths to hide their health issues. Why? Because they want to appear perfect and powerful. To them, having health problems is a sign of weakness, and they see themselves as the alpha, the predator, the one in control. To maintain this image, they refuse to show vulnerability.
This is particularly true for overt, grandiose, and malignant narcissists. In contrast, covert narcissists may openly display their suffering. But a grandiose or malignant narcissist will insist they’re perfectly fine, even if they’re clearly struggling. For instance, if you point out that they’re limping, they might respond, “What are you talking about? I’m perfectly fine. Look at me—I’m strong and capable of things you could only dream of.”
Despite their outward bravado, they may suffer from severe health anxiety or even delusional paranoia about minor health issues. I’ve witnessed this with my own father. Though he pretends to be the healthiest man in the family, he’s deeply paranoid about his blood sugar levels and other small details most of us wouldn’t even notice.
When faced with a major health issue, such as a serious illness, a narcissist may retreat from others. Their sense of power disappears, and they hide because being vulnerable terrifies them. And when others around them get sick, they offer no empathy—illness disgusts them because it reminds them of their own vulnerabilities.
Secret #2: Age
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Many narcissists—especially female narcissists—go to extreme lengths to hide their age. While most people don’t want to look old, narcissists take this to a delusional level, convincing themselves that they’re 10, 20, or even 30 years younger than they actually are.
A con artist narcissist may tell you they’re 25 when they’re actually 35 or older. They’ll manipulate photos, buy fake followers, and craft an entirely false image online to back up their claims. If something exposes their real age, like a doctor’s report, they’ll react with rage, refusing to accept reality and accusing others of trying to humiliate them.
They hide their age because, in their minds, age is associated with weakness. The older they are, the less power they have over others. So they will always give you the wrong number.
Secret #3: Their Origins
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Narcissists often hide their true origins, whether it’s their family background, ethnicity, or even their race. To them, being associated with certain identities makes them feel inferior, so they create a completely false narrative.
For example, a narcissist with German roots might completely deny their heritage, instead claiming to be fully American. They erase their pre-existing identity and create a new one that makes them feel superior. They may even look down on their own race or family, treating them with disdain.
I’ve seen narcissists lie about their addresses to dissociate from areas they perceive as inferior. My own mother, for instance, still lies about where she lives because she associates her neighborhood with being “backward.” In their minds, association with anything deemed less than perfect threatens their sense of superiority.
Secret #4: Financial Status
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While some narcissists flaunt their wealth, many are incredibly secretive about their finances. They won’t tell you how much they earn, where they store their money, or what assets they hold. This secrecy helps them maintain control and avoid responsibility.
My father, for example, kept his financial situation hidden from us growing up. He’d always say, “I don’t have money” or “I can’t afford it,” even though he had plenty. This allowed him to avoid fulfilling financial responsibilities.
On the other hand, some narcissists might project an image of wealth even when they’re broke. They’ll exploit wealthy people around them, asking for expensive gifts, cars, or homes, then display these things as if they were their own to create an illusion of affluence.
Secret #5: Family Affairs
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Narcissists often have secretive, enmeshed relationships with their families, especially with their mothers or siblings. If you’re in a relationship with a male narcissist, for example, you may notice that he prioritizes his family over you, but won’t tell you what’s going on.
If you ask about his family relationships, he may lash out, accusing you of being jealous or crazy. Narcissists will always keep these relationships under wraps, leaving you feeling like an outsider. They form tight-knit, cult-like bonds with their family, functioning as a secret group that you’ll never fully understand.
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