In a narcissistic relationship, you are forced to act out of character and do things you would never normally do because the narcissist pushes you to your limits. Out of survival, you may end up doing things that are not aligned with your moral code, values, or system. That’s why many survivors feel guilt—guilt about something they said or did—and start questioning: “Am I the narcissist? Am I like them? Maybe I’m the narcissist in this situation. Why would I do this or that?”
1. Hoovering
When you’re trauma-bonded to a narcissist, you become addicted to their presence. They become the source of your pain, but they also become the source of your relief. It’s not the person you want back, but how they make you feel when they’re acting nice—the relief, the relaxation, and the calmness you crave in their presence. So, you chase it, and that messes with your mind. You may start thinking there is no way out. You might check their social media, WhatsApp, or try to find out if they’ve moved on, feeling confused and in pain. Then you might start thinking, “See, I am like them. I am hoovering.” But you’re not.
When a narcissist hoovers, they do it with the intention of getting you back, of controlling you. You, on the other hand, seek love and connection. You’re acting out of pain, not a need to reassert control. The context and intentions are different.
2. Screaming, Yelling & Shouting
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When a narcissist pushes you to your limits, you might end up reacting in ways that violate your own values. You may be a peace-loving person, but after hours of constant provocation, you react. You yell, scream, and behave in ways that don’t align with who you truly are. This reactive abuse can create massive cognitive dissonance. You start doubting yourself, wondering, “Am I the narcissist because I yelled back?”
During your episode of reactive abuse, the narcissist will act like the victim. They may even record you and show others how “crazy” or “abusive” you are. But anyone in your situation would react similarly. It’s not your fault. You’re not a narcissist for reacting to extreme stress.
3. Silent Treatment
Narcissists use silent treatment as a form of punishment and control. They make you feel like you don’t exist. However, when you go no contact, it might look like you’re giving them the silent treatment, but there’s a difference. You’re protecting yourself, not trying to hurt them. The narcissist’s intent is to harm and devalue you, but your intention is to maintain your peace.
4. Speaking Your Truth
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When you speak your truth about what happened in the narcissistic relationship, it might seem similar to the narcissist’s smear campaigns. However, there’s a major difference. You are sharing your pain and experiences honestly, while a narcissist spreads lies and manipulates others to control how they see you. You’re not running a smear campaign; you’re just speaking about your experiences.
5. Depending on Support from Someone Outside the Relationship
Some survivors of narcissistic abuse form bonds with someone outside the relationship for emotional support. This might look like cheating, but context matters. Narcissists cheat regardless of what you give them, while you were deprived of affection and emotional connection for years. It’s important to forgive yourself, recognizing the context and understanding that this behavior does not make you a narcissist.
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