Today’s article is a request from one of my faithful subscribers. They wanted to know why narcissists say one thing and do another, and what the power dynamics behind this behavior are.
This is a very good observation, as narcissists are known for being hypocrites. They tend to say one thing but do the opposite. Their actions often contradict what they claim to believe or feel. In public, they present a distinct image, set of beliefs, or behaviors, which often differ drastically from what they do in private.
Being hypocritical is standard behavior for narcissists because their actions are guided by an internal need to maintain control—not just over their image, but also over the people around them. Many of us may have been taught or programmed to trust people’s words over their actions, always ready to give the benefit of the doubt. Narcissists exploit this tendency.
They know exactly what to say and how to say it to be as convincing as possible. They draw us in with false promises, compliments, and soft words to gain our trust. I’ve made articles before about the thing’s narcissists say to gain trust and how they often have the gift of gab or persuasion to get people to do what they want. Even though their words don’t align with their actions, they place a great deal of emphasis on what they say and how they say it, as they understand the power of words.
The Narcissist’s Tool of Inconsistency
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The inconsistency between their words and actions is a tool narcissists use to evoke strong emotional reactions such as confusion, frustration, or even hope. They exploit these emotions to maintain dominance.
Now, let’s look at some of the power dynamics created by these inconsistencies between their words and actions.
1. Preservation of Their False Self
With their words, narcissists craft a narrative that portrays them as ideal, competent, or morally superior. They say what they think others want to hear to gain trust or admiration. This might involve making promises, feigning vulnerability, or expressing fake remorse. However, their actions eventually contradict their words, as narcissists are opportunistic and self-serving.
For example, they may promise kindness and loyalty, but over time, their behavior reveals selfishness and deceit, serving only their immediate desires. This discrepancy keeps others off-balance and doubting their own perception of reality.
2. Control Through Confusion
By using gaslighting and cognitive dissonance, narcissists are able to destabilize their targets. When their actions don’t match their words, we often end up questioning our own judgment rather than recognizing their hypocrisy. Instead of addressing the problem or holding them accountable, we spend time trying to make sense of their inconsistencies.
This gap between their words and actions allows narcissists to exploit the goodwill of others while evading accountability.
3. Testing Boundaries
When a narcissist behaves inconsistently, they may also be testing your boundaries to see how much they can get away with. If their actions contradict their promises and there are no consequences, they perceive this as a green light to escalate their manipulative behavior.
Each boundary violation becomes a power trip for the narcissist, reinforcing their belief that they are in control and untouchable. This is why it’s crucial to establish firm boundaries and enforce consequences whenever a boundary is broken. Without consequences, a narcissist will not be deterred from pushing or breaking your boundaries.
Final Thoughts
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To conclude, the gap between what narcissists say and what they do is not accidental—it’s a calculated strategy to maintain power, control, and their inflated self-image while leaving others disoriented and emotionally entangled.
We must remember that narcissists are hypocrites and pathological liars. Everything they say and do is designed to maintain control over their image and the people around them. Their world is built on a mountain of lies, and it’s essential to break through those lies to see them for the cruel, toxic individuals they truly are.
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