Revenge against a narcissist doesn’t have to be loud or dramatic; in fact, the most powerful revenge is often silent. Today, we’re going to cover all the ways in which you can reset the scales of justice with a narcissist without so much as saying a word.
So, let’s get started with the first way you can get revenge against a narcissist, and they won’t see it coming: by taking away their supply. It sounds easy enough, but if you’ve ever tried it, you know it’s not as simple in practice. Here’s the cold, hard truth you need to know before we dig into the details: when you are easily triggered, you are easily manipulated.
To start, think of your emotional triggers as buttons. Every time you react strongly to something a narcissist says or does, you’re letting them know exactly which buttons to push. It’s like handing them a manual on how to control you. So, if you disconnect those buttons, the narcissist will have no idea how to control you. It’s almost as if you’re erasing their instruction manual. They may still have an outdated version, but what can they do when it no longer works? The good news is that the narcissist doesn’t know either.
I want to be clear: taming your triggers doesn’t mean becoming emotionless. It means taking control of your reactions. Now, if your strategy involves gray rock, that does mean becoming more emotionless, and while that strategy is effective for many, it does not work for everyone. When we’re talking about taming your triggers, we want to be able to do this around everyone, not just the narcissist you can easily, or not so easily, cut out of your life. Although they may be the main issue right now, if we address what’s beneath it and what is actually triggering to you, we can neutralize those triggers. Then, you become almost bulletproof to any narcissist or manipulative person in the future.
When you are no longer easily triggered, you are no longer easily manipulated. I know what you’re thinking: “It’s easier said than done, Christina,” and I totally get that. But we can make it easier by breaking it down. You don’t need to become a robot or stop yourself from feeling angry or irritated by the narcissist’s nonsense. All you really have to do is take a pause. That seems much more manageable, right?
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When you learn to pause between a trigger and your response, you create space to choose how to react. This pause will prove to be your superpower, especially when dealing with a narcissist. A simple pause gives you time to remind yourself that you don’t want to give in to the narcissist’s manipulation; you actually want to maintain control and autonomy, keeping them guessing. Suddenly, they are left without their favorite tool of control, and that will definitely catch them by surprise, especially if they have been able to manipulate you easily in the past.
Narcissists thrive on drama and emotional highs. They push your buttons to create chaos, allowing them to swoop in as either the victim or the savior. When you don’t provide that expected drama, their whole script falls apart. They can’t play their usual role, which throws them off balance. To take this even deeper, narcissists have a deep-seated fear of being insignificant, and they use your strong reactions—whether positive or negative—to feed their sense of importance.
So, when you tame those triggers, you’re essentially telling them that they don’t have the power to shake your world or get to you anymore. This will be very unsettling for them, as it challenges their sense of control and importance, which is everything to a narcissist; that’s their whole identity. If you want revenge, this is one of the best ways to go about it. You probably won’t see an immediate breakdown in their response, but you will notice confusion and maybe even desperation as they squirm to find other ways to get to you.
Welcome to the Common Ego Community! For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Christina, and I’m a toxic relationship recovery coach. If you’ve recently come to the end of a relationship with a narcissist and want help with the strategies we’re covering today—and many more—check out the Breakthrough Intensive, a guided six-week program to help you achieve the absolute best revenge against a narcissist: complete detachment, walking away, and living your best life. There’s a link in the description for that.
Now, let’s talk about one of my favorite ways to get revenge against a narcissist. Trust me—they won’t see this one coming, and that is by setting boundaries. Boundaries are like kryptonite to a narcissist because they limit the narcissist’s access to you.
Let’s start with the basics: contact boundaries. You need to figure out what contact boundaries work best for you before you can enforce them. Some common contact boundaries are no contact, gray rock, yellow rock, and low contact.
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No contact is self-explanatory, but it must be enforced to the fullest. Be sure to block the narcissist everywhere; if they’ve had unlimited access to you before, this will be an absolute shock to them. However, you won’t see the evidence of their reaction because you’ve got them blocked everywhere.
The next level of contact boundary is called gray rock. This is when your communications with a narcissist are kept to what’s absolutely necessary and nothing more. Even with that, you should remove any emotion from your voice and body language, becoming as boring as a gray rock. If you’re doing this right, the narcissist will absolutely notice a difference. Depending on your situation, this may be exactly what you need, or it may cause more problems for you.
If you can’t go no contact and think gray rock will be problematic, consider yellow rock or low contact. These methods are similar to one another and offer a way for you to continue showing up as yourself, but not as often and without sharing as much information. You can think of yellow rock as a less rigid and robotic version of gray rock. If done right, it can typically go unnoticed by the narcissist while also preventing their access to information about you, which they would only use to manipulate you.
In addition to contact boundaries, you’re going to want to establish boundaries around what behavior you will accept from the narcissist in your life. For example, if they start calling you names, raising their voice, or becoming combative or argumentative, that may be a boundary for you, and you may want to shut down the conversation. Remember that boundaries always have consequences. If they cross that boundary, shutting down the conversation is a suitable consequence. You can say something like, “Listen, this is getting out of hand; this is crossing my boundary, or this is going nowhere. We can pick this up at another time.”
As a side note, it’s usually best not to use the word “boundary” with a narcissist because that tends to open the door for a whole other argument. If you’re setting and enforcing this boundary, you probably already have an argument on the table. It’s usually more effective to say something like, “This isn’t going anywhere, and neither of us is getting what we want out of this, so let’s take a break and revisit it later.
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Now let’s talk about another way to get revenge against a narcissist that they won’t see coming: getting the full support of people around you. To a narcissist who wants to isolate you and smear your name, this is the ultimate slap in the face—in the best possible way.
Where do you start when you’ve been isolated for a long time, and the narcissist has successfully turned others against you? It feels like an uphill battle, almost impossible, right? Because of that, and because it feels like you’re starting from such a low place, I want to kick off this topic with a quote by author bell hooks: “Sometimes people try to destroy you precisely because they recognize your power, not because they don’t see it, but because they see it and don’t want it to exist.”
If you’ve been isolated or people have turned their backs on you, this moment is pivotal. You can accept the narcissist’s narrative, which may sound like, “You’re worthless and nobody likes you,” or you can build back stronger and prove that the narcissist was wrong about you. As a bonus, anyone they may have turned against you will also get to witness your comeback moment, and that’s always a good feeling.
Start by getting real about your current situation. Take note of all the things that are objectively true—both good and bad. How many people do you have in your corner right now? Have you seemingly lost friends or family members along the way, whether while you were in this relationship or in a smear campaign that came later? Think of this as your ground zero—the place where the fallout from the narcissist is most obvious.
The benefit of looking at it this way is that it doesn’t get worse from here. Cherish the good that surrounds you right now; that good can come along with you as you move to higher ground. But also acknowledge the bad. It’s your time to part ways with all of that. If someone was swayed against you, allow it to be. Anyone who believes lies about you without hearing your side of the story was already looking for an excuse to turn on you; they’re not worth another minute of your time.
If you want to revisit any of those relationships later, when you’re on higher ground and feeling stronger, that’s entirely up to you. But for now, focus on the things that you can more easily affect.
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Now, let’s get back to the topic of revenge. Imagine how good a narcissist would feel about successfully isolating you and turning others against you. Not only do they get to hurt you, but they also prove to themselves that their powers of manipulation are far-reaching as they successfully manipulate other people out of your life.
I think the phrase “drunk on power” accurately describes a narcissist’s mental state at this stage. Now, let’s flip the script. Imagine this narcissist, all drunk on power, finding out or witnessing firsthand that you were actually able to strengthen the remaining friendships you had. All of those relationships emerged stronger after all the narcissist’s hard work to destroy what you had. Picture them getting a front-row seat to you being genuinely appreciative and grateful for having seen everyone’s true colors—now you can focus on the people who matter to you most.
It’s almost as if the narcissist did you a favor. I know, it sounds painful and may feel like they didn’t do you a favor at all, but eventually, you may start to see it that way. If you start to adopt this mindset now, or at least be open to it, the narrative will change for you. You will begin to see little by little, step by step, that healing is a process that takes time, but you’ll start glimpsing hope in what once felt hopeless.
If you can actually undo the narcissist’s damage, you can regain control—not only of your life but also of the power dynamic. Just be sure to take your newfound power as far away from the narcissist as you can. If you can do that, you’ll secure this as a major win.
Now, let’s spend a minute or two talking about a more common revenge method often called “the glow up.” This concept applies just as much to men as it does to women. When you start taking care of your mind and body, you will naturally look more attractive and feel better. Even if it feels like it goes against everything you want to do right now, try to fit self-care into your routine. It really isn’t about revenge—revenge is more like a happy side effect.
If you’ve just come out of a relationship with a narcissist, your emotions might be all over the place. You may be struggling with mood swings, anxiety, or mild depression. These feelings are all normal as your nervous system starts to reset. Of course, if it ever seems extreme, definitely see a professional to get to the bottom of what might be going on. But do understand that your nervous system needs time to reset after walking on eggshells and waiting for the other shoe to drop for so long.
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When you are in this phase, self-care might seem like a waste of time; do it anyway. It may sound cliché, but your future self will absolutely thank you. Giving your body the right care and attention will help your system regulate, and in the end, you will appear fitter, happier, and more well-adjusted—all the things that will send the narcissist reeling. Here’s a little secret: they actually thought you’d fall apart without them. Do whatever it takes to prove them wrong.
Finally, let’s discuss the ultimate revenge that a narcissist will not see coming. This will make them feel completely insignificant, which is the worst thing you can do to a narcissist. Be careful with this one, as if you are successful, you will likely be met with a smear campaign or a hoover attempt—maybe even both.
This form of silent revenge is living your best life. It certainly starts with a glow-up of sorts and incorporates everything we’ve discussed here today. When you’re living your best life, you are completely unbothered by what the narcissist is doing, thinking, or feeling. In fact, they are the furthest thing from your mind; they become insignificant in your life. At that point, you aren’t even worried about revenge anymore.
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