Today, we’re going to be talking about something that is frankly quite confounding: the question, “Why do narcissists feel the need to hurt you?”
I know you all have many stories about this. It seems like it’s a game or an exercise for them; it’s almost an automatic reflex. They come at you with such painful and harmful actions. What’s going on? It’s crucial for each one of us to understand that when narcissists are coming toward you in a hurtful and damaging way, they want you to think that all the problems in the relationship are your fault. In doing so, they overlook one enormous truth: they are filled with their own internal chaos and cannot come to terms with it.
A long time ago, not knowing what to do, I referred to it as their emotional incompetence. They decide, “I don’t know how to manage my internal strain, hurt, fear, and bitterness toward others, so I’m going to point at other individuals and make them responsible for my happiness.” I know that’s a nutshell explanation, but that’s what’s going on.
I have a couple of illustrations here from people who are confused because they were attached to individuals who were determined to be derogatory, dismissive, and invalidating. Let’s see if we can understand what they’re going through, and I hope this reflection helps you consider what’s happening in your own life.
The first person writes in and asks, “Why are they so easily threatened? Why would they want to hurt someone on purpose, especially when that person cared about them?” Great questions! Toward the end of my marriage, I found myself actually saying to my ex-husband, “I matter,” and I couldn’t believe I had to say this. I felt like a nobody, which leaves me asking: why is it okay that they matter but no one else does?
Sharing is caring!
Whoever wrote this question went straight to the essence of the problem. When narcissists let you know you don’t matter to them, they are insisting that you have to be a nobody so that they can be a somebody. One concept I’ve written about in the past is what I call the “Significance Principle,” which states that every person wants to feel significant. They want to matter, belong, and have worth, value, and dignity.
The “Significance Paradox” says that the best way to find significance is to help others find theirs. Once I’ve contributed positively to someone’s life, I feel good about myself too—it’s a win-win proposition. Narcissists, however, misunderstand this: they think their significance increases as your significance decreases. Their thinking is competitive and often twisted, leading to a self-absorbed and pessimistic mindset.
Here we have the person who felt like they had much to give but continually received the message that they didn’t matter. The biggest mistake is wondering, “What did I do? What does this say about me?” The reality is that you showed up. If someone else were married to the same narcissist, they would receive the same treatment. Narcissists want you to think this is all about your deficiencies when, in fact, they would behave this way regardless of who is in front of them.
Remember, these individuals carry a great deal of pain. I often describe narcissism as a failure in pain management. This person is treating you disdainfully because they haven’t come to terms with their own deep history of rejection or invalidation.
You might want to sit down with your husband and say, “Hey, can we talk about this?” But often, they resist, feeling it’s too complicated to discuss their flaws. They project their issues onto you.
Sharing is caring!
Another illustration involves a person who was married for only two months when their wife declared that their side of the family would be excluded from meaningful time together. She wanted to spend special days only with her family. At first, he thought she was exaggerating, but she wasn’t. When he protested, she showed pure hatred. Over the years, her behavior only worsened.
This situation is intriguing because it seems to have emerged early in their marriage. It suggests she must have hidden her true self during the courtship. This woman, without explicitly saying it, was declaring that her family of origin provided her with things he did not. She seemed to be a “Golden Child” and was too insecure to look beyond what her family had given her.
This ex-wife’s narrow mindset consumed her, while her husband was saying, “Let’s expand our family.” But she insisted on her version of acceptance, dismissing any suggestion of a broader family connection.
The key takeaway when dealing with a narcissist’s hateful agenda is to understand that their disdainful treatment stems from their own internal struggles. They want you to believe that you are inadequate and defective, but that is pure projection. Don’t buy into it. Remember that you are dealing with someone who is psychologically fixated in a very early stage of development.
If you feel you could use some therapeutic assistance, know that I’ve been sponsored for years by BetterHelp.com, which has a whole team of licensed professional therapists. If you have a need, please follow the link below, answer a few questions, and get the help you deserve.
Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your journey. Take advantage of the resources available. Why do narcissists need to hate you? It’s because they carry unresolved pain within themselves. They won’t admit it, but that’s the reality. They displace their issues onto you. Decide that you will not be a receptacle for their psychological damage; take responsibility for yourself, not for their dysfunctional way of life. I hope you can move forward with steadiness and peace, even if they cannot join you.
Sharing is caring!
