When you go against a narcissist, have you ever seen a narcissist change right before your eyes? Suddenly, it’s like the mask slips, revealing a new and sometimes terrifying side of them. If you don’t know what’s happening, you could fall into their next trap, even if you think you’ve already broken free. Knowing what to expect can save you from unprecedented manipulation and keep you protected and safe.
I spent the last 20 years researching self-worth and narcissistic relationships. As a coach, author, and survivor myself, I teach simple systems to help empower you in any situation. In this article, I’ll break down the three key things narcissists will do when they realize they can’t manipulate you anymore. I’ll share examples to help you recognize these behaviors and give you actionable tips to stay strong and empowered no matter what they try next.
But before we get into what the narcissist does, I want to make sure you can spot the signs when they know you’re no longer manipulatable. To them, it means they’ve noticed a change in your pattern. They see that you’re no longer willing to give them the same amount of time, attention, or energy. In this context, energy can be emotional, financial, or enabling—anything that helps reinforce the narrative they have about themselves. They notice if you’re no longer playing along with their story, whether it’s that of the admired hero or the pitiful victim.
Somehow, your behavior has changed enough to alert them that you’re no longer going to give them what they want. To a narcissist, this is an act of war against the carefully curated image they present to the world, and they feel extremely threatened by it. They’ll be watching you like a hawk for anything they can use against you, whether it’s something you say or something you do.
So just be aware that the minute you start to heal, communicate boundaries, or change your behavior—even if it’s a subtle pushback against their manipulation—that’s when they will switch tactics to deal with this new threat. Don’t underestimate this; a narcissist would rather see your life ruined at their own expense than let you go in peace.
Three Things You Can Expect
Let’s get into the three things you can expect, ordered by difficulty, and how you can deal with these challenges.
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Defense #1: Escalation of Tactics
Have you ever seen someone switch gears suddenly, going from zero to full-blown chaos in a matter of seconds? This brings us to the first thing a narcissist will do when they realize they can no longer manipulate you: they escalate their tactics to regain control. When a narcissist thinks they’ve lost their grip on you, they won’t just give up. They can’t stand losing power or control, so instead, they’ll amp up the intensity and try all sorts of different tactics to pull you back in.
Out of nowhere, they’ll have dramatic emotional outbursts, punish you with guilt trips, or even conjure up unimaginable emergencies to bait you into engaging with them. It’s hard to imagine the lengths they will go to escalate these tactics, ensuring you feel pressured, anxious, or obligated to respond. When you’re an empathetic person, you might miss this uptick, thinking that something bad has actually happened or that they’re really in trouble.
This escalation is designed to make you feel like you’re doing something wrong if you don’t respond to them. Remember, this is either a tactic to get you to comply or to intimidate you into behaving. Either way, don’t fall for it. I’ve helped countless clients work through examples of this: a narcissistic mother throwing herself on the floor crying hysterically to elicit her daughter’s pity; a narcissistic boss who came unglued and confronted my client once they stopped being controllable; or a narcissistic husband feigning illness to keep his wife from leaving him.
Regardless of the situation, the underlying motivation of the narcissist is to escalate their attempt to regain control and to overpower their source of narcissistic supply.
Tools for Empowerment
When a narcissist tries to escalate their tactics, use the escalation deflection method to protect your boundaries and maintain control. First, recognize the escalation for what it is—it’s like a toddler, sometimes a very dangerous toddler, throwing a tantrum. Remind yourself that this heightened behavior is not genuine; it’s merely a strategy they’re using to manipulate you. Tell yourself, “This is an act; it’s meant to manipulate me.”
Next, focus on staying emotionally detached when they try to provoke a reaction from you. Do whatever you can to quickly remove yourself from the conversation or situation: walk out of the room, hang up the phone, put your notifications on “Do Not Disturb,” and don’t reply to texts. Disengage completely from any part of the tantrum. Don’t try to talk them down or stabilize their emotions. Remember, they want your attention and emotional energy, so keep your power by refusing to give it to them.
Defense #2: Playing the Victim
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The second thing a narcissist does when they can’t manipulate you anymore is play the victim to regain your sympathy. They know that you’re a caring and decent person, so when they feel you slipping from their control, they’ll try to portray themselves as a helpless victim. You’ll hear stories about how everyone is against them, how life is so unfair, or how they’re so misunderstood.
The goal here is to make you feel guilty or responsible for their emotional state, pushing you to re-engage out of sympathy or pity. What’s really happening, though, is that they’re trying to manipulate your kindness, hoping that you’ll drop your boundaries and come to the rescue. Narcissists know that you’re different from them—they are fragile and selfish, and they don’t care about anyone but themselves.
They want to use you and will try to push the victim button to see if they can elicit sympathy from you. Your attention and energy sustain them. They know that you don’t want others to suffer, and they count on this to regain control over you. It’s hard to imagine how calculated and cruel they can be. My clients have shared horrifically manipulative fabricated stories over the years—lies the narcissist told them about having cancer, going bankrupt, losing their job, or being evicted. Even though my clients knew these stories were meant to coerce them, they could barely withstand their feelings of guilt and obligation.
Tools for Empowerment
When you’re in a situation where a narcissist might be playing the victim to regain your sympathy, use the victimhood deflection method. This method empowers you to maintain boundaries when they start sharing stories of how life is unfair or how everyone is against them. First, recognize this tactic for what it is: a way to weaponize your kindness so they can remain in power.
If you’re not sure, check both options. Ask yourself: How would you handle this if you were sure it was a ploy? Then ask yourself how you’d handle it if you knew for sure their victimhood was merited. Sometimes just seeing it from both sides without immediately reacting will help clarify how involved you want to be. If it’s a ploy, don’t fall for it. Say something like, “I’m not able to help with that,” if it’s the truth. Do what feels right without blurring your boundaries. You can ask them to articulate exactly the type of help they need and then determine if you’re willing to offer that assistance.
Defense #3: Smear Campaign
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The third and one of the hardest and most damaging things to deal with is when a narcissist knows they can no longer manipulate you, they’ll start a smear campaign to damage your reputation. When a narcissist realizes they’ve lost control over you, they often retaliate by going for full-on character assassination. Once they understand you’re beyond their control, their only option is to control anyone with access to you.
They’ll spread rumors, twist the truth, or make you look like the villain. They won’t do this alone; they’ll employ flying monkeys—just like in The Wizard of Oz—to do the dirty work. The flying monkeys might be your family members, co-workers, or even your own children. The goal is always the same: to exile you, punish you, and make sure that no one believes you. This can be so upsetting and painful, and if this has happened to you, I’m so sorry. Unfortunately, this happens more often than not in this community because when the narcissist can’t control you, there are really only two options: they decide to exile you through a smear campaign, or you decide to exile yourself by going no contact.
Tools for Empowerment
When dealing with a narcissist smear campaign, use the power boundary method. The goal of the smear campaign is to render you powerless and to take your power, so the only way to protect yourself is to fiercely maintain your personal power. You do this by refusing to defend, explain, or react. The minute you’re on the phone with a flying monkey trying to get them to believe you, you’ve lost your power. The monkey’s mission is to intimidate you so that you’ll comply with the narcissist’s wishes. The more you say, the less power you have.
When they spread rumors, don’t respond. When they threaten, say nothing. When they publicly shame you, don’t let them see you waver. Believe me, I have been the brunt of more than one smear campaign, and I know it’s painful and unfair. The only thing you can do is withdraw your attention and move on with your life. This is the ultimate revenge.
Knowing what to expect is your first line of defense, but now that you’ve learned what happens after the narcissist knows you know, you need to learn a few magic phrases to not only end manipulation but to actively keep narcissists away.
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