If you’ve ever dealt with a narcissist, then you know just how toxic and draining that relationship can be. Worse, it’s not easy to break free from their hold. But once you do, it’s like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders.
As for the narcissist? That’s a different story. So today, let’s talk about what happens when you finally walk away from a narcissist. At this point, you know that being in a relationship with a narcissist isn’t exactly a dream come true. But it probably didn’t feel like that at first because, in the beginning, they were likely super charming, charismatic, and made you feel like you were the center of their world.
You see, for narcissists, the chase is often the most exciting part of the relationship. This is why they’ll pull out all the stops to impress you and get you hooked on them. However, they start losing interest once they have you. Over time, their true colors come out. They make you feel less valued and show their disregard once they think you are theirs. Eventually, it becomes clear that what you thought was real between you is an illusion. They can’t create a real, meaningful connection with you.
These behaviors are all pretty common in the narcissistic relationship cycle. At first, it might seem like the narcissist is totally in control, using tactics like love bombing, calculated charm, or fake displays of empathy to manipulate the situation and turn it in their favor. But the next part of that cycle is where it can make a difference. When a narcissist starts losing interest, it’s usually a turning point in the relationship. At this stage, either they or their partner decides to call it quits and leave.
Now, most people assume the narcissist is the one to leave, or at least threaten to. But that’s not always true. In fact, research has shown that more people are leaving narcissists than we might think. These days, there’s more awareness about narcissistic behavior and the harm it can cause. People are realizing that those toxic patterns aren’t likely to change. This knowledge is making them choose to walk away and prioritize their own well-being.
Of course, this act of abandonment doesn’t go unnoticed by the narcissist. You might think a narcissist wouldn’t care or feel anything when you walk away from them. But that’s not the reality. Narcissists often struggle deeply with feelings of abandonment, and psychologists tie this back to attachment theory. People with narcissistic traits usually have attachment styles that are either avoidant, anxious, or disorganized. All these patterns make building secure emotional connections really tough for them. Plus, separations or goodbyes can be especially triggering.
Their vulnerability to the idea that they’re being abandoned can trigger all those attachment instincts. One key thing to note is that narcissists interpret abandonment differently. While this includes completely detaching from them, they can also interpret you leaving for a work trip, even just for a week, as a form of abandonment. Either way, abandoning your narcissistic partner can leave them feeling completely powerless—not just over the story they’ve been telling themselves, but in general. They feel like they lose control, the validation they relied on, and all the conveniences you brought into their life. Most of all, they feel like they’re losing power over you.
This is why their reactions to being left can be all over the place—anything from anger and mockery to pretending they don’t care at all. Understand that people with narcissistic personalities don’t like to show weakness, especially in front of others. So, when something like a separation or departure happens, or even just the idea of being abandoned, they might not admit how much it affects them. Instead, they could lash out with anger or hostility, directing it toward you since you’re the one triggering that feeling of abandonment.
If you’re used to them being the one in control, it can be surprising to see how fragile they appear to become when faced with the possibility of you leaving, even if it’s just for a short while. What’s tricky is that if you try to comfort or reassure them, it might actually make things worse. Instead of feeling better, they might react to your efforts with contempt. This is because your kindness could unintentionally highlight the vulnerability they’re trying so hard to hide.
To understand this idea better, let’s consider an example. Suppose you need to be away for a few days because of a family matter, and the trip is coming up fast. As the departure date gets closer, you might notice more tension in your relationship. Your narcissistic partner starts getting agitated, picking fights over small things. Or worse, they might create conflict out of nowhere. Instead of enjoying the time you have before you leave, things might feel harder than they need to be. You just want those last moments together to be peaceful, right? But the more you try to make that happen, the worse their behavior gets. It might even escalate into a big argument, possibly on the way to the airport or right before you leave.
And when you come back, instead of a happy reunion, they might seem distant, cold, or hesitant to reconnect. This kind of behavior is common in people with attachment issues, like narcissists. For them, being left behind isn’t as simple as you saying, “See you later,” knowing you’ll reconnect soon. Instead, it’s a deeply primal experience for them, similar to the fear a baby feels when their mother leaves the room and they’re all alone. The baby doesn’t yet understand that their mother is an autonomous being and will eventually come back. Simply put, for someone with narcissistic tendencies, this feeling of abandonment runs deep. When someone important to them leaves, it can trigger a sense of complete devastation. This reaction is automatic and deeply ingrained, even if they’re not fully aware of it. What seems like a simple goodbye to most people can feel like an emotional earthquake to them.
Now, what if it’s the narcissist who decides to leave you first? They have a surprising reaction to it. Narcissists often leave relationships first because they’re scared of being abandoned. It’s like a defense mechanism. They figure that if they end things first with you, they won’t have to deal with you leaving them. Plus, by being the one to walk away, they feel more in control of the situation. Think of it like looking for spoilers for a jump scare in a movie. To them, it feels better to expect it than to be caught off guard. But after leaving, they’ll often try to undo it. This starts a push-and-pull cycle, which is super common in narcissistic relationships. They might try to pull you back in, acting like they want to fix things with you, only to repeat the same toxic patterns you’ll find in the narcissistic cycle. They’ll woo you, devalue you, leave you, and then get you back by wooing you again. Using our earlier example, it’s like a baby who pushes their mom away because they’re not getting what they want, then panics when she actually leaves. The baby cries desperately, trying to get her to come back into the room and carry them.
Ultimately, your narcissistic partner doesn’t want you to abandon them—not because they want to be with you forever, but because they see your leaving as losing their narcissistic supply. They know that once you leave, they will no longer receive the constant attention, validation, or admiration you give them. Of course, they can’t have that, which is why they’ll think of ways to prevent it from happening.
Know that breaking free from a narcissist is an important step for your own healing and happiness. Only you have the power to break free from the toxic cycle you found yourself in and take back control of your life, because your narcissistic partner will never willingly end that cycle themselves. We know it’s not always easy to make this happen, but believe that it is 100% possible. Your future self will thank you for it.
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