Today’s questions revolve around narcissists as they age. The questions include: How do they adjust to growing older? Do they change, and if so, do they change for the better, or do they worsen? Other questions focus on the impact on those around them—their friends, families, partners, ex-partners, and even their children. What do they experience as the narcissist ages? These are not easy questions to answer, as there will always be exceptions, which we will explore towards the end of this article. However, today, we will focus on some common experiences of narcissistic individuals as they grow older and how they might react to these changes.
Narcissism is often characterized by a long-term, pervasive sense of entitlement, self-absorption, and disagreeableness. Narcissists can be highly sensitive and resistant to criticism, and they often lack empathy for others. They can also be manipulative, seek control, and dominate situations.
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Aging Narcissists
If narcissists failed to form meaningful connections with people when they were younger, their relationships—be it friendships or romantic—may have ended. These people may have moved on or even abandoned the narcissist for their own well-being. Like everyone else, narcissists can experience loneliness and depression. However, they still crave attention, validation, and affirmation, and may use whatever qualities, wealth, or resources they have accumulated over the years to draw others back into their lives.
By middle age, many narcissists experience denial. They might be vain, believing themselves to be exceptionally attractive. However, the prospect of losing their looks as they age can be difficult to accept. In middle age, narcissists may become particularly sensitive about their appearance. Some might spend significant money on anti-aging products, dye their hair, or dress to appear younger. They may seek younger partners or engage in affairs with younger individuals.
It’s not uncommon for narcissistic mothers to try to look more like their daughters, relishing in comments like, “You two look more like sisters.” Some may even flirt with or try to seduce their daughter’s boyfriends. Narcissistic fathers may demand high levels of respect due to their perceived seniority, seeing themselves as the head of the family. They might believe that their wisdom and experience are more valuable than those of their grown-up children, sometimes trying to outdo their sons by boasting about their past achievements.
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As their children succeed, narcissistic parents might take credit for their accomplishments, claiming it was all due to their influence. If there are conflicts between them and their grown-up children—especially if the adult child has a partner with strong boundaries—the narcissist may try to bypass them and communicate directly with their grandchildren. They might buy gifts or give mobile phones to their grandchildren, attempting to buy their love and make the parents look like the villains if they disapprove.
If their children’s marriages break up, and the narcissist played a role in the breakup due to constant interference, they may vilify the ex-partner or even try to alienate their grandchildren from that parent. However, there have been cases where narcissists side with the ex-partner against their own child, offering support and advice.
What Happens as Narcissists Grow Older
As narcissists age, their fragile, false sense of self becomes harder to maintain. Their strength diminishes, their looks fade, and they can no longer do the things they once could. Their sex drive decreases, making it harder to deceive themselves. They may spend a lot of time reliving their glory days, trying to impress others with their past achievements and victories. They might feel that today’s generation will never be capable of what they achieved, believing that younger people have it easier.
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Rather than growing wiser with age, some narcissists remain immature, with temper tantrums still occurring when they don’t get their way. In some cases, they may become more vitriolic and vindictive, not mellowing with age. Over time, they might dwell on how unfairly they believe they’ve been treated, focusing on their failed relationships, backfired schemes, and times when they had to face the consequences of their actions. They may claim they sacrificed their dreams for others, yet feel unappreciated, harboring bitterness toward those they believe wronged them.
With more time on their hands, narcissists may ruminate over past grievances, feeling more resentful. Narcissists often have long memories, holding onto narcissistic wounds from decades ago as if they were still fresh. They remember the wrongs done to them but may forget the times they were selfish and hurtful to others, even forgetting the vengeance they’ve already taken.
Narcissistic people generally refuse to accept responsibility for their behavior and hate being exposed for their actions. They always see themselves as victims, no matter how much they have hurt or exploited others. This destructive streak may persist, and their need for revenge might push away anyone they have left in their lives.
As they age, narcissists may still be coercive and manipulative, though perhaps for different reasons. If they’re lonely, seeking company, or need help, they might find it difficult to ask directly. Instead, they may devise schemes to get what they want, which can be counterproductive as people might eventually stop offering help or become better at saying no.
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Some of their manipulation could involve guilt-tripping and shaming, with phrases like, “After all I’ve done for you,” or, “I haven’t much longer to go.” They might threaten to write people out of their wills if they don’t comply, saying things like, “This will all go to your cousin,” or, “This will all go to the cat’s home.” Their power and influence decrease as the younger generation’s increases, which doesn’t always sit well with them. They may have spent a lifetime learning how to manipulate and coerce others to maintain some level of power.
Covert Narcissists and Aging
This is likely more common with covert narcissists, but if they have a history of mysterious ailments and illnesses, this behavior might intensify. They may visit doctors frequently, complaining that none of their medications or treatments work and that they are incurable and in constant pain. Old war wounds, sporting injuries, or illnesses they never recovered from might become a constant narrative. They may claim they’re not long for this world, yet somehow manage their ailments just fine when doing something they enjoy.
What Happens to Those Around Them
In old age, narcissists may display a lifetime’s worth of destructive, antagonistic behavior, which can ultimately become self-destructive. Their behavior over the years may have pushed so many people away that they feel isolated and lonely. They might still exhibit arrogance but with much less confidence as they become more frail and lose autonomy. They may have to rely on others for support, but their behavior may have alienated them to the point where there is little, if anyone, left to reach out to.
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In some cases, we may see what’s known as a “narcissistic collapse,” where they realize they are nothing, have nothing, and no one left. Even if they have money, they may have nothing of value to those they have hurt. They may become more desperate and open to being exploited and abused by others.
As for those around the aging narcissist, they may feel conflicted and confused. They remember the abuse they endured and the misery the narcissist caused, yet they may also feel guilt. The narcissist may have wasted all of their patience with constant criticism and demands, yet now they feel pity for them. Even after years of no contact, the pain might still be there, and there may be an urge to reach out, especially if the narcissist is critically ill.
There may be hope that the narcissist has changed, that they have nothing left to lie about or gain from being horrible, and that they might finally reconcile and apologize, offering the closure the other person has longed for.
Some research suggests that narcissists can change for the better as they age. A study from 1992 found that levels of narcissism decrease over time, and a more recent study suggests that narcissists become less narcissistic with age. It may come down to the individual, but some would argue that when narcissists have no one left to lie to or nothing to gain from lying, they might finally be honest with themselves. They may acknowledge their dreadful behavior, feel regret, and recognize that no one cares about their loneliness because everyone has seen how horrible they were when they were younger. Perhaps, they might even become open to a bit of humility.
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